


The Decepticon Justice... Department?!

by Metanoiac



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: (the dysfunctional kind it's the Decepticons), Bureaucracy, Crack, Gen, Megatron Gets Lectured, Tarn's Passion For Rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:08:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29882973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metanoiac/pseuds/Metanoiac
Summary: Shockwave appoints Tarn as the new head of the Personnel Department most didn't even know existed. Megatron learns that his enforcer may perhaps be a little too qualified for the position, and suffers the consequences.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	The Decepticon Justice... Department?!

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Workplace Misconduct Seminar](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28860456) by [Spoon888](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoon888/pseuds/Spoon888). 



> Inspired by Spoon's work 'Workplace Misconduct Seminar' based on the thought of Tarn being a bureaucratic menace, and written with their permission. 
> 
> Tarn's true calling is bureaucracy! The intimidating kind. It isn't entirely ethical, but a step-up from murder... possibly?
> 
> Thanks to Wendy/badskeletonpuns for editing this for me! :D

Running a functional army required more bureaucracy than Megatron had cared to research. He’d let the likes of Shockwave and Soundwave deal with matters involving the general satisfaction of their troops. Such trifles were rarely brought to Megatron’s attention and those that did require his intervention were swiftly dealt with.

However, both Shockwave and Soundwave had far more important tasks than the petty squabbles of the masses, so when Shockwave approached his leader with a request to open up a position within the personnel department (which Megatron had not even known  _ existed _ ), he agreed to let Shockwave handle the applicants. He was more than capable enough and Megatron feared he did not have the required knowledge to hold those interviews himself.

Nor did Starscream, for that matter. He trusted his lieutenant only to choose either  _ himself  _ or another utterly incompetent goon to spite Megatron. Soundwave’s own workload was already big enough and Shockwave had offered to conduct the interviews himself, so Megatron saw no danger in allowing that.

Apparently, Shockwave’s chosen candidate proved to be quite diligent in their duties. Where Megatron once received no reports from the department, now there lay a few datapads on his desk with  _ suggestions _ . 

He initially balked at them—how  _ dare  _ a subordinate tell  _ him  _ how to run  _ his  _ army? Megatron absolutely did not need another  _ Starscream _ . One of him was already more than the warlord could handle. 

Grudgingly, Megatron took a look at the neatly organized stack of datapads in a once-empty corner of his desk. 

It turned out Megatron had his own issues to rectify. Preconceptions born out of cynicism were not exactly a trait befitting of a leader. 

What he saw were genuine suggestions about discipline and order, all phrased in a manner that proved the writer’s loyalty to Megatron and the Cause. Every unreasonable request was documented together with the name of the requester and all Megatron had to do was approve of the decisions made by this new head of the department. 

Easy enough.

In a short time, Megatron found himself looking forward to those reports. Even if very little of them required his personal approval, he’d still come to insist that they were delivered at least at the end of every cycle. It gave him a good insight into the kinds of people that served his Cause, as the writer gave unnecessarily in-depth analyses of especially those that came knocking on their door with the most outrageous ideas. It outlined that their priorities may not be entirely in tune with the Decepticon Cause. Megatron agreed to keep an eye on these air-headed troublemakers who were under the apparent delusion that they could get away with  _ anything _ , and employed Soundwave for this task.

Overall, Megatron was satisfied with Shockwave’s successor. So much so that he had asked Shockwave to relay to them to deliver their reports directly to Megatron rather than let them go through Shockwave first, alongside Megatron’s personal commendations. 

Shockwave had hesitated. Only minutely, but for Shockwave to do so at all struck Megatron as odd. Sure, there were occasions when the suggestions delved into  _ letting the DJD deal with them _ , which were the only ones Megatron had to deny because he did not think that asking for a two-week holiday, while certainly inappropriate, warranted a spot on the infamous List. 

“What is it, Shockwave?” Megatron queried. 

Shockwave bowed his helm. “Nothing of note, my Lord. I will see it done,” the scientist droned. Megatron quirked an optical-ridge but said nothing after that, dismissing Shockwave with a wave of his servo.

* * *

The head of the department became more aggressive in their reports as time went by. Their eloquence was soon replaced with abbreviated sentences consisting only of their verdict on the request. The suggestions, too, became far more drastic. Megatron watched their descent into insanity from his desk but only when his  _ own  _ request for a brief reprieve returned with a frankly inappropriate “DENIED” did he take matters into his own servos.

He arranged a meeting with Shockwave’s mystery successor.

Only Shockwave showed up.

Megatron narrowed his optics. “What is the meaning of this, Shockwave?” He demanded. An idea came to mind. Though preposterous, Megatron voiced it regardless, his logic overrun by his ire. “Have  _ you  _ been behind all this?” 

“No, my lord.” Shockwave shook his helm. His calm in the face of Megatron’s building wrath had always been inspiring but then again, Shockwave lacked the capability  _ to  _ fear. Megatron could not intimidate him into doing anything. With a heavy vent, he resettled in his chair, bringing a servo up to rest against his forehead.

“Then why are  _ you  _ here?” Megatron wondered whether the successor had abandoned the Cause. Faced with so much blatant  _ stupidity _ , he could not find it in himself to blame them if they did. It would be a shame, certainly, to have them persecuted, but the idea of letting someone with such intimate knowledge of his soldiers run free did not sit well with him.

“He is currently off-base,” Shockwave said, putting Megatron back on track. Shockwave, who Megatron realized hadn’t taken the opportunity to sit yet, took a remote from Megatron’s desk and flicked on the projector that allowed for long-range communication.

Dread settled low in Megatron’s tanks when a familiar visage came into view. “Dismissed, Shockwave.” 

Shockwave did not dally and was out of the doors before Megatron could reconsider. The warlord schooled his expression and swiveled in his chair to face his apparent head of the personnel department. “Tarn.” 

“My liege,” Tarn bowed his head in acknowledgment and with a disgusting amount of reverence that left a sour taste in Megatron’s mouth. 

“Lift your helm,” he ordered. Tarn obliged instantaneously as Megatron had come to expect of him. “I wanted to discuss your latest…  _ escapades _ .” 

The mask may hide his expressions well, but Megatron knew that the brief flicker of his optics expressed something akin to uncertainty—he believed Megatron was unhappy with him. Megatron supposed his tone had been rather accusatory but was that not  _ fair _ ? Him, of all mechs, had been denied his simple request for  _ one  _ cycle off! 

...How had  _ Tarn _ , the biggest sycophant in his army, been bold enough to  _ deny him _ ?!

It took Megatron embarrassingly long to realize these threads of thought were not at all different from the tantrums Starscream often threw. He forced his shoulders down from their tense position and relaxed the crease between his optical-ridges. He continued in a calmer tone, “I believe Shockwave selected you for the task.” 

Tarn inched further from the screen and settled in a more relaxed position. From what he could see, Tarn sat in the DJD’s base on Messatine. A slow period, perhaps. Had they worked through every name on The List, then? Megatron could not recall making any adjustments as of late, so such a notion was entirely possible. Perhaps Tarn’s newfound bureaucratic power made mechs much more aware of the possible consequences that followed desertion or insubordination. Another feat he really ought to commend the DJD’s commander on, even if his suggestions often bordered on being a tad extreme.

“Did I not perform well?” Tarn asked. “I assure you, my lord, that The List takes priority above all else. I would not have taken the job if I knew that I could not combine my duties. I believe that hearing the concerns and requests of our army is equally as—” 

Megatron silenced Tarn’s excuses with a raised servo. The effect was immediate and he heard the other mutter a quiet apology for stepping out of line. 

“On the contrary, Tarn, your dedication to the task has been… admirable.” Megatron knew not to give Tarn too much praise lest he wanted the commander to spontaneously burst into  _ tears _ .

(It had happened before. Megatron felt a wave of guilt at the memory for allowing the supposedly fearsome leader of the DJD to be reduced to such a state with mere words.)

“Thank you, my lord, I—”

“I was not finished,” Megatron cut in. He’d snapped at Tarn, as evident by the way the other flinched back and nervously wrung his servos together.  _ Pathetic _ . Megatron sneered. “You saw it fit to deny my request. Why did you, Tarn?” 

“Ah, I—was the note I left not sufficient?” Tarn asked meekly. Megatron felt ashamed to admit that he hadn’t read the note and instead insisted on an immediate meeting to be scheduled between himself and… well, Tarn, apparently. Had it been any other mech (save for Starscream) he would have admitted to his own oversights, yet with Tarn, he felt he couldn’t risk tainting the mech’s idolized image of him. Tarn was a sycophant, but he was damned efficient, and an asset Megatron didn’t want to risk losing.

He forced a smile that undoubtedly looked rather sinister. “I would like to hear it from  _ you _ , Tarn.”

Tarn bowed his helm. “As you wish, my lord.” 

Megatron did not know whether it was to his surprise or his horror that Tarn retrieved a stack of datapads and began… 

Lecturing him.  _ Him! _

_ Lecturing Megatron. _

Worst of all, the points he made were entirely reasonable, and Megatron could not disagree with anything Tarn said.

“It would not do good for morale. However, it would not be unreasonable either to request a little leniency in your schedule for a one-off cycle, but nothing more than that. There is a general consensus that you, my lord, have set for our army, that if one shows significant signs of weakness, they are unworthy of their position.” Tarn’s optics blew wide when he realized the implications behind his words and scrambled to correct himself. “Please forgive me, my lord, I did not mean to insinuate that  _ you  _ are weak, merely that others could possibly perceive this to be so…?” 

He made it out to be a question, so Megatron answered. “I’m aware of your intent, Tarn. Proceed.” 

So Tarn did. Megatron regretted his choice. Tarn may not have been using his  _ Voice _ , but his words had a cutting effect all the same. 

“And perhaps worst of all, if you abandon your duties, even if only temporarily, my lord, your position will be filled by your second in command,” Tarn concluded. “While I do not think you are undeserving of reprieve, there are many matters at play that we ought to take into consideration before such a decision can be approved of.” 

Tarn might have said ‘we’, but Megatron knew full well the commander’s remark was aimed at him. Deserved, too. Megatron wanted to shrivel up and… well, die was a bit dramatic, but he felt horrifically  _ embarrassed _ .

Not only could he not afford to lessen his own workload, but Tarn had also put him in his place.

(Deserved, but regardless.)

“Pardon my forwardness, my lord, but now that I have you here, there are several other matters that I wish to discuss with you. Mechs have complained about the poor conditions of their quarters, their rations, and the constant infighting within the lower ranks. I believe we ought to take some steps to prevent this sort of dissatisfaction from happening, and I have several suggestions to take care of this, if I may be so free as to present them to you.” 

Megatron made a very un-warlord-like noise. He shut off his side of the display in a way he certainly hoped was inconspicuous.

“And—my lord?” Tarn must have realized he was staring at a blank feed.

Megatron gave the lamest excuse he could think of. “Interference,” he said. “Proceed, Tarn.” 

“Of course. Ah, where was I?” 

Megatron lowered his helm in his servos. 

Giving Tarn more bureaucratic power may have been the biggest oversight in Shockwave’s career, if not his entire functioning.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos/a comment if you enjoyed it! It helps keep me motivated <3


End file.
